(Laddersnout, Plines & Wilson-Posker, St Buryan, 1951)
A Letter to Miss Henrietta Lynchett, Spinster of the Parish,
of The Shrivings, Nether Hapless:-
Lodestone Hall,
12thJuly
My Dear Miss Hatchet,
We are delighted to hear of your birthday celebrations and we would be happy should you accept our sincere good wishes upon your becoming 'a lady of a certain age'.
Remember: it is not necessary to succumb to the malaise that often afflicts 'spinsters of the parish', 'maiden aunts' or 'matrons of retired disposition'. A budgerigar can be a boon. Pastimes are a great consolation; the latest 'thing' in our village is the 'letters group': many ladies such as yourself have discovered the rewards to be had from sending regular letters to the illiterate inhabitants of the local workhouse. There are also many other sources of help and succour. Society has indeed a place for 'unencumbered ladies with time to spare'.
With this in mind, my dear Miss Hatpin, Lord Throttle and I would encourage you to attend one of our 'cultural evenings' at Lodestone Hall, where we endeavour to create an atmosphere of 'tasteful joy and convivial intercourse'. The next 'gathering' is set for Thursday next. Finlay McLeod will regale us with tales from Skye (and the inevitable bagpipe lament!) and will have news of his Spring visit to the McDrivvle of McDrivvle at Drambuie Castle. The Lungeworthy sisters will recite Tennyson and shew a 'Family Daguerrotype Extravaganza'. Miss Baffle is to read one of her 'Tittlebat Tales'. Dr Dowsing is sure to play the crumhorn & Captain Synge has been practising the polka! And finally, dearest Miss Latchkey, we truly hope to have with us Reverend Prandial to give a talk on 'Owls of Southern Norway'. Who could resist such a treat; - and with Welsh biscuits and cordials at the end! We will brook no refusal! Our footman, Poultice, will call for you in the phaeton!
yours &c
Lady Throttle of Mopes
PS I do hope that a few advertisements for suitable requisites will not offend your sensibilities. Please understand that a Lord & Lady need to appeal to commerce in order to keep House & Home in 'Bristol Fashion' in these modern times of increasing stricture.
ADVERTISEMENTS OF INTEREST TO 'LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE'
Demure apparel for the older lady; viz, sombre shawls, 'subdued bonnets', 'restrained bustles', &c. BULTITUDE, LOBJENNET & PROYNE, Tailors with Scruple;
'I was forced ot levi a life fo selusicon and shame; onone cloud understand me. Intermittent anagram disroder saw ym ruin. CRIMLEY'S LAUDANUM & IRONSTONE TINCTURE taken thrice daily with a lime and juniper infusion has been my saviour. Now the Reverend and Mrs Fopjolly rely upon me to startle their guests with my new-found loquacity. CRIMLEY'S has also freed my sister Alberta from inappropriate feelings for a young curate 20 years her junior. We are new women.' - Miss F Stumble. CURE IT WITH CRIMLEY'S.
BLACKSTOCK'S Astringent Bitters for a healthy and a vigorous constitution; unfailingly restores gaiety to slumped matrons and cowed spinsters; renews the joie de vivre of 'tired old maids'; face the world with fortitude with BLACKSTOCK'S: cock a snook at 'Dowager's Hump' and laugh in the face of 'barren melancholia'.
JINGO'S Repellent Waxes are most subtle and suitable for all cases of harassment & discomfiture; Blackguard Wax applied thinly to the earlobes, wrists and napes of nervous young ladies will deter the most determined and undesirable suitor; Bogus-Major is sure to dampen the ardour & thwart the sallying of those counterfeit officers who prey upon lonely ladies of a certain age & independent means and infest the genteel drawing-rooms of the modern age; rub Uncle Dick discreetly into the skin of your children to obviate distressing 'incidents' at family gatherings where ageing bachelors with furtive glances are sure to lurk; those ladies who frequent the fashionable seaside watering-holes & spa townships will benefit from Cannonade& Bellweather, which are prepared from our secret recipes and which will foil all manouevers of active and retired naval commanders respectively; -A JINGO & Co., Cheltenham.
DRABB'S Pies and Puddings, - 'always keep out the cold' - 'they curdle the blood, and petrify the nerves' - 'constricting the digestion and frighting the salivatory process' - 'Their Eel & Hare Basket turned my blood to a clabber' says the Bishop of Drumlin.'A mere half-collop of DRABB'S Lopjerkin had me on my back for a week' claims Mrs Euphemia Hellebore the 'Horsehair Wig Heiress'. The Black Lamp Butchery shuns no carcase; - 'we butcher while you sleep; why not wake to a DRABB'S DELIGHT?'
FURNELL'S SCOURING WAFERS are thoroughly efficacious and cleansing; the very thing to curb a foul-tongued butler; they render the manner obedient and the speech docile. 'My man, Slope, swears by it' enthuses Lord Elmbottle of Thrusting.
Brindindus, Breer, Chivey, Chivey, Chivey, Mousehorn, Follingay, Mitterbridges, Boor, Montinado, Ampler-Jangus, Voibus-Freers, Sqargle, Proider, Mulvinghead-Pifferluce, Poil, Yoitman, Mousehorn, Mousehorn, Mousehorn, Mousehorn, Groilfennet, Brout, Twattle, Nimbus, Drigo, Flabster, Blisk, Taddy, Sounce, Quime, Deadletter, Jones, Beeflantern, Obelisk, Cartomancer, Indelible, Fringedangler, Tessel, Vessel, Hessel, Kesselmeister & Mousehorn, - Attorneys at law, Conveyors of things to be conveyed, Lessors, Recessors, Retrocessors, Specialists in Actual and Quasi-Barratry, Sub-Barratry & Multiple Cozenage, Affixers of Fees, Reopeners of Old Wounds, Stirrers-Up of Petty Grievances, War Profiteers, Drawers-Up of Obscure Lists of Petty Disbursements, Guardians of Widows' Emoluments, Holders of Other People's Possessions, Experts in Practices Sharp, Arcane & Baffling to the Unwary, Rubbers of White-Gloved Hands and Sinister Grimacers in Darkened Offices, Mountebanks to the Queen, Silencers of Lady Acquaintances of the Young Prince Regent, Barristers to the Clown Prince of Ruritania, Pensioneers to the Pretend Queen of Ethiopia, Sub-Junct Tort-Escritoirs to…
(Curtailed in accordance with the Act of Spurious Display, 1875 [viz. Regina v Mrs Spivey's Circus, 1864, Lord Justice Bastion-Whelkspoon presiding, in which Mr Hessian Cummerbund, for the plaintiff, argued successfully that (qua Mrs Tulty v Francois Ebbinghausen's Replica Pinafore Manufactory, 1862), whereas, whereto and whereinunder a half-bill could be posted on the external wall of a Royal out-house by a clown in a sailor-suit claiming sanctuary under the 1840 Distressed Mariners Act, the said clown dressed as a Redcoat was not entitled to post a continuation to the aforesaid bill on another day, since, in the spirit of the Act, quod prat, quo cod (cf. Truscott & Shafter's Minor Uncommon Law, Itinerant Sideshows & the Post-Trafalgar Diaspora, XVI ii-iii 34-37), a soldier from a former age was, inprincipio mea culpa, not a valid person but, in effect, a mere travesty (cf. Bulstrode's Felt Hats v Speyside Effigies Ltd, 1843; Miss Lavinia Crumble v Rear Admiral Sir Jolian Moonstock, 1857; and Mrs Alberta Sump v Captain Hardpad, 1866, 1867, 1868)].)
